Listening as Love: Guruji on Why Listening Heals

From the teachings of Sri Amritananda Natha Saraswati (Guruji). Post title: "Listening as Love: The Silent Solution to All Relationships". Dated 26 April 2016. Posted on Guruji's blog by Vira Chandra. Originally published at amritananda-natha-saraswati.blogspot.com.

In short

Loving couples succeed because they listen closely when the other person speaks.
This is true of all relationships, not only couples.
We often do not listen because we want to act, or think we already know what is coming.
Listening without speaking is a solution in itself.
Attention nourishes the speaker and lifts their sense of worth.
To change the habit, pause, listen to yourself, and note your point quietly.

Guruji's words

Guruji: Ask loving couples — the secret of their success is: they listen attentively when the other speaks. This is true of all relationships.

Father – Daughter,
Mother – Son,
Boy – Girl.

Why should I listen? I don’t know how bad I am. To know that, I should listen to someone who tells me. How else will I know?

Why don’t I listen?

I feel I am not doing anything by listening, so I jump in.

I think I know what they are saying.

I don’t realize that listening — passively — is a solution itself.

Why is listening a solution? When someone genuinely listens, they pay attention; we get attention, a form of currency. Receiving attention nourishes us; makes us feel — yes, I am understood — enhances one’s self-worth.

What can I do? It has become a habit for me not to listen. Break the habit. How? Quiet down and listen to yourself, just before you are about to jump in and interrupt. Worried that you will forget what you have to say? Ask how to wait, note down a point quietly, and listen again. Observe yourself as you walk away in anger or begin thinking of something.

Good luck and better friends! Payback guaranteed.

Guruji, "Listening as Love: The Silent Solution to All Relationships", as posted on Guruji's blog by Vira Chandra on 26 April 2016. The text is kept as in the original. A photograph on the original post is not copied here.

How this shows up in Kaula practice

Guruji's note is simple, and it fits the Kaula path well. Kaula practice asks you to see the Divine in every person. Giving someone your full attention is one plain way to do that.

The same habit helps inside. In quiet sitting, you stop talking to yourself and listen. The pause Guruji describes, just before you jump in, is a small practice of its own.

You can try it today. In your next talk, wait one breath before you answer.

Common questions

Why does Guruji say we should listen?

Guruji says he does not know how bad he is, and the only way to find out is to listen to someone who tells him. He also says that listening, even passively, is a solution in itself.

Why don't we listen?

Guruji gives three reasons. We feel we are not doing anything by listening, so we jump in. We think we know what the other person is saying. And we do not realize that listening is a solution.

Why is listening a solution?

When someone listens, they give attention, which Guruji calls a form of currency. Receiving attention nourishes us, makes us feel understood and raises our self-worth.

How can I break the habit of not listening?

Guruji suggests quieting down and listening to yourself just before you jump in. If you worry you will forget your point, note it down quietly and listen again. Watch yourself when you walk away in anger or start thinking of something else.

Does this apply only to couples?

No. Guruji begins with loving couples but says it is true of all relationships, and he names father and daughter, mother and son, and boy and girl.